An Open Letter To My Humans
Reflections of a good boy, by Bonbon the Pug.
I am pawing this letter to you in a time of great distress. My humans, I have some complaints. Although I lick you and your silly human affections, there are some trends I think you could stand to scoop, beginning with that ridiculous way you lift yourselves onto your hindquarters.
Below, I’ve pawed a shortlist of the nose-twitching, eye-watering, dog-demeaning trends you silly two-leggers could dig without.
Boops!
A most distressing practice. I can't count the number of times a loving human hand has reached out to give me delectable head scratches, only to “boop!” my tender snout! I am an advanced dog and a good boy of the highest pedigree. Is the “boop!” a punishment? An offering? A threat of further boops??
Please put your friends who engage in regular boop!ing in touch with the nearest Canine-Human Help Line. By reaching out to the dogs in their life, a chronic boop!er might be cured of this confusing affliction.
Roombas
If a cat didn’t build this abominable growler, then my name isn’t Bonbon! Loud, sneaky, and smelly, Roombas are the pinnacle of cattish engineering and the true enemy of dogkind.
I formally request your assistance in disposing of this doggone, existential threat. If you truly consider canines your best friends, please, defend your good boys and girls from the abominable Roomba!
Netflix
Yet another cattish invention. The lazy brutes have hypnotized gullible humans with moving pictures. Even I, a pug of pure breed, find myself drooling over the occasional nature documentary.
Bark, beware! This practice encourages lazy human habits. Though I appreciate the Cheetos you lovingly drop between couch cushions, this dog asks that humans who engage in Netflix between mealtimes consider taking your four-legged friends for walks instead. The throwing of spherical objects is also acceptable.
Cats
Need I say more?
Conclusion
I am not an unreasonable dog. I understand that humans are magnanimous and caring, and you do the best that you can do. If you must keep the boops! and the Roombas, I understand.
The cats take priority.
Thank you for your consideration. My human has found a trail of dog-sized mud prints on the carpet, and I must reassure him that this, too, is the work of cats. Stay safe, and pet often.
Sincerely,
Bonbon, a Good Boy
