How to Steal Cookies 101
Look away, mom. This article ’tis not for you.
The holidays are coming up. Marzipan is baking, eggnog is flowing, and are those presents I see beneath the tree? Bold move, grandma. Bold. Move.
We all want cookies. And by cookies, I mean forbidden stuff. For example:
- Toilet paper we’re too embarrassed to ask Uncle Bob to fetch.
- A phone call by Aunt Lindsey we’re 99% certain is about us.
- The last chocolate chip cookie.
- More eggnog.
Stealing cookies is a matter of practical application, not brains. The trick isn’t learning how to be stealthy, it's remembering to apply these tricks when your ear’s plastered to the kitchen door.
Here’s the scenario: Mom has a cookie. You want the cookie, but you’re afraid of being caught, for good reason.
What do you do?
Closed Door, Open Mouth
People’s lips loosen around closed doors, even when those doors aren’t soundproof. Weird, but true.
When eavesdropping, it’s important the other person feel safe and secure. Put as many closed doors between you and Mom as possible while remaining close enough to eavesdrop. This makes Mom WAY more likely to talk about something you’re not supposed to hear — like that delicious cookie.
Hot tip: If there’s more than one door in the room, don’t go shutting them all at once. That’s weird. You’re not a weirdo, are you? Didn’t think so. And neither does Mom.
Don’t Be Sneaky, Be Routine
Routine is a double camouflage: it prevents you from being noticed, and it gives you a handy get-out-of-jail-free-card. Example:
If you’re in the kitchen and Mom’s back is turned, DO NOT stand on your tippy-toes and hold your breath as you approach the cookies. Instead, perform your usual routine. If you’re in the kitchen, grab a snack. Don’t pay attention to your body. Just let yourself go through the motions. On your way out, snag a cookie.
If you’re in the living room and Mom strikes up a conversation, engage. Push the cookie to #3 on your priority list. Get comfortable. When the conversation reaches its natural conclusion, think about what you want to do next. Then do it. Oh, and grab a cookie for the road.
If you’re lounging by the pool and Mom’s exchanging cookies with her friends, ignore them. In fact, put on headphones. If she glances your way, well, that’s her problem, not yours. Of course, you’re eavesdropping on ALL the cookies, but she doesn’t need to know that.
Hot Tip: If you’re caught red-handed, apologize immediately and admit to not thinking. You’re defusing the situation and deflecting away from the true crime: the minutes you spent actually plotting your diabolical heist.
Boots Stomp, Feet Roll
If you must be silent, practice walking from heel-to-toe.
It’s simple. Place your heel on the floor and smoothly roll your foot forward. Continue to place one foot in front of the other.
Things to avoid:
- Stomping your heel. Be gentle!
- Walking on your toes. This is even worse than walking normally because you’re likely to wobble, overbalance, and smash your nose against the family vase, alerting Mom in the process. Also, you look like a massive sneak (recall Don’t Be Sneaky, Be Routine).
Remember: Relying on silence is risky. There’s no backup plan for being caught: when it’s over, it’s over, and you best fess up fast.
Hot Tip: Take deep breaths. Focus on your breathing before you even begin the theft. This will keep you balanced and calm. Calm sneaks are successful sneaks.
From one sneak to you: good luck. And don’t let me catch you sneaking around my cookie jar this Christmas, Megan — I’ve got my ears to the door, my eyes on the batter, and my chocolate chips under lock and key. Not even Santa’s laying his dirty red mitts on my secrets — er, cookies.
Happy holidays, all.
And uh, you too Mom.
— C
