Rediscovering Magic
On telling the right stories.
Shame is not an emotion I like to associate with my favorite thing in the whole universe. Reading books, an escape, is not what I want to go the way of the Dodo because of what the world thinks of my taste. Fortunately, I’ve clung to my love of literature with the desperation of a man drowning.
Unfortunately, I’ve lost my grip on what it means to write unabashedly.
I’ve spent the last five years struggling to write. A core problem is boredom. I just don’t care enough to continue. An idea is sparked, the words flow, and then BOOM! silence. A blasted hellscape where there was once a printing press. No matter how much I sift through the rubble, I find no motivation.
I’ve tried writing for the sake of generation. Finding my motivation that way, like cranking an engine in the hopes of sparking something. Success in this endeavor is always limited. Mostly, the stuff I write frustrates me. It’s a good read, in hindsight, but to continue feels awful. Painful.
Some writers claim bleeding onto the page is necessary. The hallmark of good writers, even. I’m not a masochist, so I reject that framing. I don’t want to spend my free time bleeding. I want to spend it on something that feels good. Could I grind out a couple books by pulping stories like ripe fruit? Sure. I have time. Would I feel successful upon completion? Sure. I think so. Would I look back on the process and say, what a wonderful life I have lived? No. No, I would not. I like feeling good, thank you very much.
Writing should make me feel good. I enjoy telling myself stories. It’s when I put those words to page that the wonderful feeling in my chest, that engine that hums, sputters. Sometimes right away, sometimes halfway through.
Diagnoses has proven problematic. Tough to diagnose what you can’t see. But I’ve done my best. The way I see it, the challenge is twofold. One is structure — I need it. Something I can play with. Two is freedom. I need to feel free to follow the stories I tell myself.
Structure is a cinch. I’ve bought Save the Cat! and am committing its story structures to heart. I’m plotting now, praise Neptune. I’m excited to say goodbye to Midpoint confusion (‘where next?’).
Freedom requires experimentation. It means finding where I’m afraid to I can confront the fears that derail my writing. Fears like, what would [insert respected person] think of this?
Freedom also means cultivating an environment in which I can write without shame. Where it feels like it’s just me and the engine, humming along, pouring words onto a page.
Hard truth is, the stories I enjoy writing are often different from the stories I enjoy reading. Different from the stories my family and friends enjoy, too. I need to accept this if I’m to enjoy the writing process.
If mustering the courage to write the right stories means changing the way I write, then so be it. I’ll start all over again. If it means rediscovering the magic of storytelling, there’s a lot that I’ll do.
