Should You Come Out as Atheist to Your Parents?

Exploring the consequences of religious freedom.

Should You Come Out As Atheist To Your Parents? Photo by Mathew Schwartz on Unsplash

For browser users: If you’d like to skip the personals and skip straight to the advice section, click here. I recommend reading the entire article. I’m also the one who wrote the damn thing, so you’ll have to excuse me for being a little biased.

This is an intro I’m posting on advice from a friend. She suggested I be more transparent with my own “coming out” experience and how that’s influenced this article. I think that’s more than fair.

Storytime.

I come from a white, middle-class family nestled in the suburbs of LA County, California. My dad’s a liberal and my mom’s a conservative, but they’re both heavily moderate. I came out as gay to my parents when I was in 7th grade, so I’d gone through the whole “coming out” thing once before. I was never pressured to attend Church, and felt too distant from my parents to discuss topics like religion seriously.

The first thing you should note is my parents’ religious beliefs.

My dad grew up agnostic, and if anything, he was more dismissive of religion than I am (he’s become more spiritual with age, but back then, he thought religion a bunch of silly mumbo-jumbo). I never felt the need to “come out” to him as an atheist. I felt it would happen naturally.

My mom grew up Catholic. After a long period of religious doubt that ended my junior year of high school, she converted to Christianity. With my blessing, she applied for a job at the local Church. She got the job, and she’s worked for the Church ever since.

The second thing to note is, I was terrified my parents wouldn’t pay for college.

I recall getting into an argument with my father in Portland, Oregon, on the front lawn of my aunt’s house. I was eighteen. My brother sat in a tree, avoiding my father’s disappointment. We were arguing about attitude — mine, and my brother’s. It wasn’t uncommon for this topic to crop up, suddenly and violently, at the drop of a hat. Fact is, I didn’t like my father very much, and I can only assume the feeling was mutual.

This argument was particularly bad. Something was in the Fall air, and it brought sharp words into stark clarity — things I’d kept locked within the privacy of my head manifested as verbal daggers. It came to a boiling point when my father threatened to withdraw his financial support for me and my brother’s college education.

I’m privileged enough to have grown up firm in the belief that, come Hell or high water, my parents would fund a large part of my college education. It was the bedrock for my academic drive, for sleepless nights studying geometry (which I was terrible at), for sobbing over group projects, for going to therapy over academic anxiety/depression, for powering through ADHD, for earning above a 3.2 at a highly competitive high school, and for scoring in the top 1% of the college-admissions ACT.

I lost a lot of faith in my father then. And, most importantly, I became a lot more selective about what I told my parents. I was acutely aware that, like it or not, they had the power to make my life a hell of a lot more difficult.

The third thing you should know is, I don’t remember coming out as an atheist. I do remember telling my mom I’d joined an atheist club, and that this confession had a more profound impact on my mother than the sporadic religious doubt which characterized my late adolescence.

Mom, I joined a club. It’s called the Alliance of Happy Atheists. It’s really fun. I enjoy it. — 2018

I told my mother halfway through my junior year of college. I told her over the phone, with four and a half hours of California desert highway between us. I told her from the living room of an apartment that I considered my own (technically, my parents paid for housing, but that's college logic for ya). I told her, secure in the knowledge that my college tuition was mostly paid, and if I had to take out a loan to pay for the rest of my tuition, I could afford to do so.

Whatever drama I’d half-expected to unfold, didn’t. My mom just cried, and told me to stop that, and warned me that I was making a mistake. I hung up feeling equally guilty and liberated, but no less financially well-off.

It could have been a lot worse, I thought. I was lucky.

Which is a really long-winded way of saying I tend to err on the side of caution. This article is a reflection of that caution — in the original draft, I advise against coming out unless you are positive it is safe to do so.

I also recognize that my concern, while justified, is no excuse for accidentally scaring a bunch of well-meaning atheists back into the closet. That’s bad. That’s not my intention. That’s just another form of control.

In other words, this is me toning it the fuck down.

I believe that the choice to come out is yours, and yours alone. Be it faith, sexuality, gender, or race — your secrets are yours to disclose.

If you want to come out and you’ve thought it through, then do it. Do it with passion. Do it with wisdom. Do it with whatever unique character you bring to the table. Do it your way, and know there’s no “perfect” coming out story — there are just stories.

If you’re unsure, if you hesitate, if something holds you back — pay attention to that feeling. Study it. You might be onto something.

That’s all.

— Cole

P.S. Below is the original, unedited article. It’s shorter than the introduction, and, well, sorry about that. Feel free to throw shady word-tomatoes in the comments. I’ll read them all — promise (;

Coming out as an atheist to your parents can be challenging. For many, it's downright dangerous.

One popular subreddit on atheism, which boasts 2.6M members, lists dozens of coming out stories that share a tragic theme: parents are not nearly as understanding as their children believe.

International opinions on atheism vary. According to the Pew Research Center, atheists make up a much larger slice of the population in Europe than they do in the United States.

Furthermore, those who identify as atheists are often in positions of privilege: educated, white, and male. White atheists go to battle over church/state separation and creationism in schools. In contrast, atheists of color often tackle issues like racial discrimination, social welfare, and insufficient professional networks.

In Non-European regions like Latin America and Sub-Saharan Africa, folks are much less likely to identify as atheists. Often, this is due to the violent suppression of atheism by anti-secular religious groups. For example, in Islamic countries, apostasy is widely regarded as a crime and is punishable in many ways, including imprisonment, flogging, and execution.

apostasy: the abandonment or renunciation of a religious or political belief — def., Oxford languages

Yikes. With all that said, what’s a closeted atheist to do?

If you’re a dependent, the safest thing you can do is remain closeted until you become independent — financially, emotionally, and geographically.

In this day and age, it’s safest to go through the motions with family and live your best atheist life in your own time. It sucks and it’s true.

But if you’re dead-set on coming out as an atheist, you’re reasonably confident that you won’t be tossed on the street, and you’re prepared to deal with the unexpected — there’s some solid advice to be had.

Rule Number One: Trust Your Gut

You know your parents best. Anyone who says otherwise has money on their mind or believes in unicorns and giant Arks.

If you think your parents are willing to hear you argue against the implications of an omniscient, omnipotent Creator, then argue away.

If you think your parents are open to religious doubt, by all means, frame your atheism as such.

If you think your parents are absolutely opposed to the idea of atheism and won’t listen to a word you say because faith is not grounded in rationality, then you’re probably right.

Listen to your gut and play it by ear. If you truly have zero clue how your parent will react, seek advice from someone who you know and trust to keep this information private. Adults talk. Be very sure your confidante is aware of the risk you are taking by seeking their advice.

Rule Number Two: Do Your Research

Read this WikiHow article. Especially steps one, two, and three. Know your definitions so you don’t accidentally say something you don’t mean. Once you know, you’ll have an easier time explaining yourself to your family members.

https://www.wikihow.com/Tell-Your-Parents-You-Are-an-Atheist

Rule Number Three: Find a Club / Support Group

These are people who have got your back. They know what you’re going through. They know that, even if your family accepts you, a solid majority of the world doesn’t.

You’re going to want friends who can talk to you about your atheism. Trust me when I say, going at this alone is a lot harder than doing it with friends. In college, I joined an atheist club and opened up to my peers about my atheism. Some of my friendships weakened (notably those with staunch Christians) and a handful grew stronger.

Lean on your friends, your club, your “Us” group. These are the people who will stand by you when shit goes down.

You don’t have to discount your religious friends, either — just because you disagree on how reality functions on a fundamental level (lol) doesn’t mean you’re obligated to drift apart. I count 2 Christians and 1 Buddhist amongst my closest circle.

If you’re struggling to find atheist communities, check out the lists below.

American Atheists has partners and affiliates in 230+ locations across America.

Students can join or create atheist clubs through the Secular Student Alliance. Most clubs are located within America, although it's not limited to such.

I apologize in advance for the lack of international resources. If you know of any communities/support groups I haven’t covered, let me know, and I’ll add them to the list.

Atheist Communities

• Black Nonbelievers, Inc. “[We] are dedicated to providing a caring, festive, friendly, and informative community. We connect with other Blacks (and allies) who are living free of religion and other beliefs, and might otherwise be shunned by family and friends. Instead of accepting dogma, we seek to determine truth and morality through reason and evidence.”
• Black Humanists and Non-Believers of Sacramento. “The Black Humanists and Non-Believers of Sacramento is an outreach and educational community group for African American atheists, humanists, non-believers, skeptics, agnostics.”
• Secular Women. “The mission of Secular Woman is to amplify the voice, presence, and influence of non-religious women.”
• The Secular Student Alliance. “The Secular Student Alliance empowers secular students to proudly express their identity, build welcoming communities, promote secular values, and set a course for lifelong activism.” You can join an atheist chapter or start your own chapter through their website.

Support Groups/Help Lines

• Atheist Alliance International. “If you are an atheist at risk or if your life is unbearable because you are an atheist, please contact us at ASN@atheistalliance.org. Be sure that your email is secure before contacting us. Alternatively, private-message us on our Facebook page. To set your expectations, we cannot guarantee to help everyone, and we will need to ask you for evidence in written form and/or video material to prove your claims.”
• Ex-Muslims of North America. They offer support groups for Muslims in North America. If you’re an Asylum seeker in the United States, find an Asylum Compendium on the exmuslims.org Asylum Resources page. Internationals can contact them at info@exmuslims.org (with details about your case) to be connected with support groups and/or activists.
• Recovering From Religion. “Our passion is connecting others with support, resources, community, and most of all, hope. We have two forms of support available below: peer support and professional support.”

Volunteer Opportunities

• American Atheists. “American Atheists envisions a world in which public policy is made using the best evidence we have rather than religious dogma and where religious beliefs are no longer seen as an excuse for bigotry or cause to receive special treatment from the government.”
• American Humanists. “We strive to bring about a progressive society where being good without a god is an accepted and respected way to live life.”
• Freedom From Religion Foundation. “With more than 30,000 members, FFRF, a 501(c)(3) nonprophet nonprofit, works as an effective state/church watchdog and voice for freethought (atheism, agnosticism, skepticism).”
• Foundation Beyond Belief. “Foundation Beyond Belief is a humanist charity that promotes secular volunteering and responsible charitable giving.”
• Secular Coalition for America. “The Secular Coalition for America advocates for religious freedom, as guaranteed by the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, and works to bring respect and visibility to nontheists.”

Donation Opportunities

• Hispanic American Freethinkers. “We are the first community of Hispanic freethinkers, agnostics, humanists, and atheists supporting the Latin community living in the US. We promote education and critical thinking and the separation between church and state.”

I hope this article has given you the tools to make your own informed choices.

Whatever you decide, I support your choice. That’s what atheism is all about, isn’t it? Supporting your right to choose, to think freely, and to build your own model of How Stuff Works. Exciting, practical stuff.

Happy holidays, wherever you are. From one atheist to another.

— Cole